Dopamine Dilemma
That hour before my next dose of medication is due, is a horrible, horrible hour. I can feel my body slowing down as if it were actually a machine which is gradually running out of oil.
-Snehal Amembal
I am in the kitchen, for it is also the time of day when I need to make dinner preparations for my children. They are out in the garden, blissfully unaware of what is playing in my mind, the challenges that my body is presenting me with. I reach out to a kitchen cabinet to pick up a cup to measure rice for dinner. This extremely simple task makes me nervous, my arm moving as if it were in a slow motion film, my mind and my eyes looking at it as if it was a separate entity altogether. I can hear my children squealing in the background, shouting at times all in playful jest. But for me, it is triggering my anxiety because my brain is interpreting this as a sign of danger, grave danger to my children.
I cannot fully concentrate on the tasks in the kitchen anymore, because I’m painfully aware of the fact that if something were to happen to my children, my body would be extremely slow to protect them, what with my laborious movements and shuffled gait. Imagine living in this constant fear. But, this is my reality. I also realise that my husband, although working from home, may not actually be available because he might be on a call. Of course. So I stare up at the kitchen clock, willing this hour to pass more quickly so that I am able to take my last dose of the day, making me a more able mother. To clarify, my medication does not supplement the decreased levels of dopamine in my brain rather it helps the almost negligible dopamine to work better - a facilitator if you like.
Dopamine is a funny chemical. I never cared about it much, before being diagnosed with PD. I remember learning about it along with its sibling, serotonin. About how these two neurotransmitters are so important. As a university student, this was just a fact that I had to remember. Fast forward some 15 years and here I am experiencing just how important that fact actually is for the functioning of the human body.
Parkinson's is a cruel disease because of the lack of dopamine in the brain. Sometimes, what little dopamine remains in the brain works effectively, so you feel that your condition is improving. However, after a few hours or days, if you’re lucky you feel as normal as you possibly can. Then suddenly without even a hint of warning, dopamine decides to stop functioning and you go back to fighting the various symptoms that result in your body as a consequence.
This experience can be best described as looking at a mirage, something that is so achievable, it is almost yours, but alas it isn’t. It is almost being able to open your hand fully, almost being able to walk without a shuffle, almost being able to control the tremors. It is this ‘almost’ that gives you the feeling that you have regained some control over this terrible disease, and just as you begin to feel grateful for this positive change you are once again thrown into the deep end.
So, every day is a different battle. The condition does not even give you the benefit of practice. It manages to surprise you every single day, whether you like it or not and you have just two options, either you sink or you swim. On most days, I swim using all my strokes to the optimum level. However, there are those other days where I feel like I am sinking- arms flailing limbs in utter disarray, gasping for that precious mouthful of fresh air. Sometimes I keep my head underwater, the vacuum creating a sense of calm, at least for the moment.
Snehal is a freelance writer, editor and poet based in Surrey (UK) with her husband and two young children. Her writing primarily reflects her motherhood journey, memories of her own childhood and the essence of everyday moments which she tries to records on her blog ‘ Notes On The Go’. Her two poetry chapbooks, ‘Pause’ and ‘I Am’ have been published. Snehal is a Young Onset Parkinson’s Disease (YOPD) warrior and creates awareness about the condition through her writing. She also reviews books authored by writers of South Asian heritage on her blog Desi Lekh. Her personal website is https://linktr.ee/mommy.snippets.